Archive January 2005
January 27, 2005
I Got Dissed
I was called the following things last night.
"asshole", "dickhead", "jerk", "bitch", "fucker", and "creep"
That came from five different girls. I do not know what I was doing last night, but for
some reason I was angering girls quickly and frequently. They were probably mad because I was just fucking with them and would not fuck them. At least that is the reason I have for their poor impressions of me.
This conversation did not get me called anything. In fact, the girl thought I was funny.
Girl: Yeah guys get the wrong impression from my tongue ring.
Me: Really? I think you are a whore.
Girl:(laughs) Oh so you want to take me home then?
Me: Who said anything about taking you home? Doesn't this place have a bathroom?
posted by John 2:50PM
January 23, 2005
Halo2 is a fun game, but I do not like it for the same reasons most people do.
A friend of mine brought over his Xbox and Halo2. I was not interested in playing, but then I heard voices. They were not in my head this time, and they were not talking about killing hookers. The voices were those of people playing Halo2 online.
Apparently, these nerds use headsets to talk to each other during the game. Usually this is to setup their little strategies, but I immediately recognized a chance for hilarity. My friend had a headset and I immediately got on the horn. Over the last two days, I have spent countless hours playing Halo2, and by playing, I mean running around being killed while I incessantly talk shit.
I am on a different level of shit talking than most people. When I get in the zone, I am like Jordan in the playoffs, unstoppable. Every once and awhile someone I am ripping tries to fire back, but I steamroll them with a barrage of insults.
I never shut up. I try to tailor my insults to those I am facing. If I hear a voice I construe as nerdy, I will attack their obvious virginity, social ineptness, and star trek. If I hear a redneck's voice, I will accuse them of being some sort of ethnic, which of course causes them to get greatly offended. If I see that there are multiple players under the same name I immediately assume they are involved in some homosexual orgy, and make them aware of my assumption.
I get destroyed during the game. I mean I suck at Halo2. When the game is over I am yelling at my teammates for not giving their all, and questioning the blatant homosexual tactics of the other teams players. They try to argue that I should look at the numbers (like any nerd would). I inform them there are no stats for heart and leadership and that is what I provided, and it was their job to execute and they failed.
I do not know how many people I have offended and angered over the past couple days, but I do know one thing... I had a great time doing it.
posted by John 6:11PM
January 18, 2005
Yesterday was MLK day, and me and some friends went out drinking. It was cold for Florida last night; it got down to like 30. Most Floridians do not know how to dress for the cold, so when it does get cold they wear some stupid shit.
As we headed out for the night little did I know, that my friend and I were going to become Civil Rights heroes. Like Rosa Parks on that bus, we would seize our moment in history by standing up for all that is just and righteous.
Anyway we go to this bar, and we are hanging out at this table. There are two black guys at our table and we are joking with them about not enough blacks showing up to celebrate MLK Day. I look at the table next to ours, and start to laugh. Sitting there are four nerds, and two of them have these long scarves on. I tell my friend I have to go fuck with these guys, and I walk up to them.
Me: "Hey nice scarf. Where did you get it from?"
The guy tells me he got it in Sweden. My friend is Swedish, so I grab him and tell him these guys are Swedish. One of the nerds who looks like the male version of Lisa Loeb says.
MaleLisaLoeb: "I'm not Swedish. I'm American."
Me: "Really what were your relatives before that?"
Me: "So they must have had slaves then."
Friend: "You need to pay reparations to my black friends over there."
Me: "Yeah you son of a bitch. You can't get away with this. Pay reparations."
We shouted a few more things at the guy and eventually he gives in.
MaleLisaLoeb: "Ok what do they want."
BlackGuys: "A rum and coke and a gin and juice."
The guy ordered them drinks and put them on his tab. We badgered a guy into actually paying reparations. Tell me that does not honor Dr. King
We went to another bar, and we got a table there. The bar is full, so most people are standing. They keep putting their empty stuff on our table, and I keep knocking it off. This Arab guy (I think he was Arab) puts his full pitcher on the edge of our table, and starts talking to somebody. I figure I deserve reparations also, for what those bastards did to us on 9/11. I reach across the table grab his pitcher fill up our cups and put the pitcher back. He turns sees his pitcher is empty, and just stares at us. I am laughing my ass off. He does not say a thing he just gets very mad and stomps off.
Getting reparations is fun.
posted by John 10:34PM
January 14, 2005
Yes, I admit it. I watch The O.C., and no, I am not a prepubescent girl. Though sometimes I wish I were, but thats another story.
I cannot help it the show is so uniquely bad that I cannot miss an episode. It is not bad like one of those sitcoms were a fat man is married to
an attractive woman who emasculates him every chance she gets. The O.C. is bad in its own way. The stories are painfully contrived, and there are many lines/scenes that are so corny that it is painful too watch. I literally have to turn away from the television a few times an episode because it is just too much.
I guess I am a masochist for The O.C. because every week I am back at it. I just can't wait to see what kind of bullshit they come up with next week, and by the previews it doesn't look like they are going to disappoint.
The previews showed that next week Ryan's new girlfriend gets drunk then swept away by a wave. Who says The O.C. is not topical? I was going to wait a couple weeks before making tsunami references, but according to The O.C. writers it is ok to start now.
I wonder how many tsunami screenplays are being written right now in Hollywood? My guess is around 12. They should be ready soon, if they hope to catch this wave of publicity :)
posted by John 1:34PM
January 12, 2005
I went out to a club last night. Normally I hate clubs and refuse to go to them, but
MTV was going to be there filming something. I thought that might bring out more
hot chicks, and the drink specials at the place were pretty good so I went.
When I got there I noticed right away that I was right. The place was packed with girls, and there was an inordinate amount of hot girls (especially since it was a Tuesday!). To top this off they were dressed more provocatively then usual. I hadn't seen that much
cleavage since Halloween, when girl's costumes tend to be cleavage surrounded by a nurse,
devil, or maid outfit.
MTV knows what they are doing. All the people operating the cameras were fat chicks. They know you just can't trust a guy with that kind of power. The only shots they'd get from me would be of me getting head in the bathroom from a want to be famous slut.
I can see it now "True Life: Money Shots" or "True Life: Bukkake".
posted by John 4:09PM
January 8, 2005
This is my first entry into this "blog". I think the word "blog" is very gay but
I am heading into day 5 of a nice little bender.
I have also been hanging out with freshman girls the past couple of nights, and
I must say I enjoy it. I will write an
article for this site on all the benefits
of hanging with freshman girls. Not the least of which is that I can say whatever
I want to them. They refuse to show offense, because they want to be down with
the older crowd.
Here are some random quotes that I have said to girls over the past
"The only thing bigger than your boobs is your fat ass."
"I went down on a elephant once... it tasted like peanuts."
"Do you ever shut up?"
I have also made numerous references to pedophilia and expressed intolerance
for basically every race.
No offence was shown to any of this. In fact a couple girls called me a "nice guy".
Now I can be a real nice guy when I want to be, but when I am not being nice
do not call me a nice guy. It angers me when people have a false impression of me
even if it is a favorable one.
posted by John 2:26PM