January 23, 2005


Halo2 is a fun game, but I do not like it for the same reasons most people do.

A friend of mine brought over his Xbox and Halo2. I was not interested in playing, but then I heard voices. They were not in my head this time, and they were not talking about killing hookers. The voices were those of people playing Halo2 online.

Apparently, these nerds use headsets to talk to each other during the game. Usually this is to setup their little strategies, but I immediately recognized a chance for hilarity. My friend had a headset and I immediately got on the horn. Over the last two days, I have spent countless hours playing Halo2, and by playing, I mean running around being killed while I incessantly talk shit.

I am on a different level of shit talking than most people. When I get in the zone, I am like Jordan in the playoffs, unstoppable. Every once and awhile someone I am ripping tries to fire back, but I steamroll them with a barrage of insults.

I never shut up. I try to tailor my insults to those I am facing. If I hear a voice I construe as nerdy, I will attack their obvious virginity, social ineptness, and star trek. If I hear a redneck's voice, I will accuse them of being some sort of ethnic, which of course causes them to get greatly offended. If I see that there are multiple players under the same name I immediately assume they are involved in some homosexual orgy, and make them aware of my assumption.

I get destroyed during the game. I mean I suck at Halo2. When the game is over I am yelling at my teammates for not giving their all, and questioning the blatant homosexual tactics of the other teams players. They try to argue that I should look at the numbers (like any nerd would). I inform them there are no stats for heart and leadership and that is what I provided, and it was their job to execute and they failed.

I do not know how many people I have offended and angered over the past couple days, but I do know one thing... I had a great time doing it.

posted by John 6:11PM