Archive September 2005
September 28, 2005
I tried to write a humorous short story. Predictably, it turned into low-grade erotica with a couple of jokes spliced in. You may find the ridiculousness of it all amusing. Here is the opening paragraph.
It is Friday night and Kristi, Kristina, and Penelope Anne are going through their usual preparations for yet another "girls night out". In their bra and panties, the pre-going out tickle fight is in full swing. They all have magnificent 32C tits, which are also enjoying the activities, jiggling and bouncing about as the girls chase each other around the room.
If you want to read the rest it is here.
I am taking the LSATs on Saturday. After that I will come up with some more cool stuff. Enjoy the picture of Keira Knightly's breast and Jessica Alba's ass.
posted by John 2:08PM
September 15, 2005
At the gym today I had a shocking revelation. While I am doing a set and struggling to get the last repetition completed, I say to myself "Come on baby". I have probably been saying it to myself for years, but it just hit me today how absurd it is. I refer to myself as "baby" while performing physical activities; I guess I am going to have to live with that.
Living in South Florida I hear a whole lot of stupid every day. I am pretty much immune to it. For instance, a girl talked to me for 5 minutes about how much she likes the color pink. I know what you are thinking "why didn't you just punch her in the throat". Well I do not hit girls, and I am completely desensitized to stupid whore talk.
In fact you have to be able to speak fluent whore and a little Spanish just to get around in South Florida.
Hahahaha just kidding my So Fla chica. Holla! Get your eagle on! I wish my girlfriend was hot like you. A ella le gusta la gasolina! Como le encanta la gasolina!
posted by John 6:21PM
September 11, 2005
Some things are just inherently cool like smoking, heroin, pink shirts, and Steve Guttenberg. Drunk driving is also high up on that list. It is basically a rite of passage into cooldom (so is using the term cooldom by the way). Only the coolest celebrities get DUIs like Nick Carter, Tracey Gold, and Chris "Motherfuckin" Klein. Those are only the ones awesome enough to get caught. If you needed any more convincing that drunk driving was super cool, did you know there is a whole organization of mothers against it? Everyone knows moms are super lame, so if you want to be a nancy mamas boy/girl go ahead and don't drive drunk.... pussy.
I have driven drunk many times. I feel I owe it to my bumper to give it a little workout. I have done curb checks, wall checks, parked car checks, bike rake checks, and killed someone (don't worry I am pretty sure it was an immigrant). In all my nights (and days) of drunk driving I have never had to drive drunk on a highway. Until last night that is, and let me tell you, like a woman registering to vote, it scared me.
Honestly it was really fucking dumb, and I probably will not do it again (until I forget about it that is). I literally could not keep the car in my lane, and I was going at least 80 MPH. I thought that being drunk and swerving all over the road was just another Hollywood invention, like Brian's Song, not real like The Goonies. But I was driving along and the next thing I know I am in the middle of the road, and I had no idea how long I had been there. So I play it cool and switch lanes like that was what I had intended. Then before I know it I am onto the shoulder, I swerve back. I curse at myself for being a fucking idiot, and use the adrenaline to make it home.
In conclusion, I am an idiot.
posted by John 7:41PM
September 1, 2005
Hurricane Trina Is Da Baddest Bitch
I have to admit it I am hooked. I cannot stop reading/watching about this Katrina situation. It is definitely one of the most significant events of my time. Right up there with 9/11, the fall of the Berlin wall, and P Diddy dropping the "P" thus becoming Diddy.
If you are going to donate money for the victims of Katrina check and see if your company offers matching gift plans. Large companies will match their employee's donations to charities, so with a little paper work you can essentially double the amount you are giving.
These are the best sites I have found outside of the major news outlets.
MgNO.com - This is the blog of a Spec Ops guy in New Orleans. He updates it often, and even has a web cam (to my surprise is wasn't showing a nude college girl). I almost joined the army right after reading this post:
In case anyone in national security is reading this, get the word to President Bush that we need the military in here NOW. The Active Duty Armed Forces. Mr. President, we are losing this city. I don't care what you're hearing on the news. The city is being lost. It is the law of the jungle down here. The command and control structure here is barely functioning. I'm not sure it's anyone's fault -- I'm not sure it could be any other way at this point. We need the kind of logistical support and infrastructure only the Active Duty military can provide.
NOLA.com - The "your stories" section has posts requesting information on family members. It is pretty moving.
Digital Globe - Satellite images of the destruction.
"We're trying to deal with looters as ruthlessly as we can get our hands on them." - Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour
"And some of these individuals..are so poor, and so black...it's a sad sight." - Wolf Blitzer
It is certainly to soon to point out the irony in the fact that a city whose famous drink is "The Hurricane" got completely destroyed by one. Furthermore you will definitely NOT get laid this weekend by saying:
"Girl, I'll make you as wet as Bourbon street."
"Damn your beauty is more devastating than Katrina."
So don't do it! It just shows bad taste.
Seriously though if you like me you will do what you can to help. If you do not I will hate you forever. Think about that! Also, a big fuck you to everyone who is trying to spin this situation to make it about race, Iraq, or Bush.
posted by John 10:09PM