September 11, 2005

Drunk Driving

Some things are just inherently cool like smoking, heroin, pink shirts, and Steve Guttenberg. Drunk driving is also high up on that list. It is basically a rite of passage into cooldom (so is using the term cooldom by the way). Only the coolest celebrities get DUIs like Nick Carter, Tracey Gold, and Chris "Motherfuckin" Klein. Those are only the ones awesome enough to get caught. If you needed any more convincing that drunk driving was super cool, did you know there is a whole organization of mothers against it? Everyone knows moms are super lame, so if you want to be a nancy mamas boy/girl go ahead and don't drive drunk.... pussy.

I have driven drunk many times. I feel I owe it to my bumper to give it a little workout. I have done curb checks, wall checks, parked car checks, bike rake checks, and killed someone (don't worry I am pretty sure it was an immigrant). In all my nights (and days) of drunk driving I have never had to drive drunk on a highway. Until last night that is, and let me tell you, like a woman registering to vote, it scared me.

Honestly it was really fucking dumb, and I probably will not do it again (until I forget about it that is). I literally could not keep the car in my lane, and I was going at least 80 MPH. I thought that being drunk and swerving all over the road was just another Hollywood invention, like Brian's Song, not real like The Goonies. But I was driving along and the next thing I know I am in the middle of the road, and I had no idea how long I had been there. So I play it cool and switch lanes like that was what I had intended. Then before I know it I am onto the shoulder, I swerve back. I curse at myself for being a fucking idiot, and use the adrenaline to make it home.

In conclusion, I am an idiot.

posted by John 7:41PM