Handjobs

My friend proclaimed that handjobs, or as they are known on the street "Jackos", are the next blowjobs. Now most guys would get agitated at someone claiming that HJs are replacing their beloved BJs, and try to lynch the offending propagandist by his testicles. But he is my friend, and besides I found it humorously absurd. What my friend needed though was a sound argument as to why handjobs are the next blowjobs. Saying, "they just are" or "the kids on the OC are doing it" is just not going to justify making this claim.

Luckily for no one I am a master logician. So, I used my skills to construct an argument. Here was my thought processes.

• Lets see handjobs are becoming more popular than blowjobs. This is not true, but how could it possibly be true?
  
• Handjobs would need to be better than blowjobs in some way. But in what way are they better?
• They are not they are worse... much worse!
  
• (Moment of genius)
  
• Shazam! That is it handjobs suck!
  

My argument: You see we can all agree handjobs suck. Why would you want a girl jerking you off when you could do it better yourself? That is the whole point. You are not supposed to enjoy it. That way when you masturbate it feels that much better. After you experience a bad handjob, you appreciate how good you are at it.

Jesus, Jessica Alba, and Hunks

A lot of people come up to me and say "John I heard you have a website. You must get laid all the time, right?"

Of course I laugh in a aw shucks manner, and display all the socially required signs of modesty. Then my face turns serious and I look them dead in the eye. The unflappable honesty of my gaze freezing them where they stand while it draws them into my words. "Son, I get more ass than Jesus," I say. Then I walk away, leaving them to contemplate the implications of that revelation.

Jessica Alba is the most talented woman in Hollywood. I have not seen any of her movies yet, but that is not important. What is important is that she wore a see-through dress to the MTV VMAs. In honor of her great achievement I have put together the Best of Jessica Alba picture gallery. It is hot, I have good taste.

Do not worry ladies I did not forget about you! Well maybe I did, but then I remembered you! I thought it was about time you ladies had something to jerk it too. So, I searched the net and amassed a delectable collection of male eye candy. I call it the Wall of Hunks. Warning! These hunks are so hot you may bust a nut!

posted by John 1:32AM

Gays

At my work there is this gay Spanish guy. He is short, fat, and flaming. From this moment on I will refer to him as El Gayo. That is Spanish for "creepy ass pirate". He is starting to take notice of my boyish good looks, and taut figure. I get frequent glances, seductive hellos, and my work hand delivered to me from the printer. "Is this yours?" he asks then shoots me a creepy seductive smile, "oh yeah thanks" I reply with an ackward half smile as I avoid eye contact (he totally isn't my type, obvi).

(Sigh) No this El Gayo won't do at all. I miss my old faggidy co-worker. Now that guy was a queer! He makes El Gayo look like Frank Sinatra. Actually more like Frank Sinatra getting his "microphone" polished by a dame and a broad while he eats a steak (very rare obvi) and pounds round after round of neat Scotch.

My old gay co-worker was gayer than AIDS. The Queen Queens was also incredibly enthusiastic. He just loved everything (especially dick obvi). His gay enthusiasm knew no bounds. Whenever anyone told him anything no matter how small or unimportant, his eyes would grow big, he would gasp, and exclaim a series of adjectives glorifying that bit of info as the greatest thing he has ever heard. He did all this without coming off patronizing at all.

Jessica Simpson Revealed

When I heard that Jessica Simpson had sex with Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera frankly, I was shocked. After I unhooked my testicle clamps from the car battery, I was still pretty surprised that JS would do such a thing. Obviously, Jessica does not know how to measure a man's worth. Hell, she married Nick, when all the members of LFO and O-Town were available. I do not want to say that she could have landed a Joey Fatone, but she definitely could have made a play for him.

Ok her marriage is falling apart. Her husband resents her success and is getting HJs from strippers, but fucking Bam and Knoxville is inexcusable. I mean she could be fucking for spite with someone with talent like say a Brad Pitt, Tom Brady, or Gary Coleman.

If there is karma in this universe then Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Kevin Federline, Pauly Shore, and Wilmer Valderrama will all have there genitals brutally mutilated in some sort of industrial accident. Maybe they will all take a tour of a dildo factory and curiosity will take hold of them, then the next thing you know... the universe will have evened itself out.

posted by John 5:02PM

My Metro

I got a job in the Malaysian sex trade industry! Well not really in the industry, we are more like a peripheral of the industry, i.e. a Fortune 500 company. Anyway the people I work with are ok, besides the fact that every female that works there is completely 100% unfuckable. In my department, I work closely with a few people. They are all young white males, except for all those blacks, and old people.

One of my co-workers has caught my fancy. He is a metrosexual! Now I have read about these people in books and stuff, but I have never really been forced into close contact with one. So needless to say, I am learning a lot. When you work with someone you have to be around them for like 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, lets see that is like a million hours a month! Not to mention all that "quality time" you spend synergizing in the company's bathroom stalls. I guess what I am trying to say is, that you get to know your co-workers well.

So far my metro has done some really metroie (its a word) things.

Like showing up to work everyday with fancy clothes. If that was not an offense enough to decency, they appear to be clean and meticulously ironed. He did not participate in the first causal Friday, and was ridiculed. Now he does participate but he looks uncomfortable and fidgety, like a girl being fucked in the ass for the first time.