March 31, 2005 RIP Mitch Hedberg A great comedian died today. And no I am not talking about Terri Schiavo (though she was pretty funny also). I'm talking about Mitch Hedberg. I like my comedy like I like my cocaine. Supplied to me by a hippie, in one-liners. Sorry to see Mitch Hedberg go. Here are some quotes from his act. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

There are too many to list. Search for others if you want, or buy his CD. The point is he was hilarious, and it sucks that he is dead.

posted by John 3:30PM

March 30, 2005 Businesswomen I have been going to a lot of job interviews recently. Cause a nigga has gotta eat. I'm whoring myself out like crazy. If the sidewalk is for pimps, then I'm in the middle of the street pedaling my ass. I have to say I love being interviewed by women. Especially sexy MILFs in business suits. I think my natural charm really shines through in these interviews, because I do not have to force it. When a guy conducts an interview his questions sort of poke at you. Like he is challenging you. I have to resist the urge to smash his smug face in for his insolence. Sure I have had a couple interviews with those bull dykes that are insecure about their position and thus bitchy. However, overall I do real well when interviewed by a woman. The only restraint I have to show, is from trying to turn the friendly banter into outright flirting.

And yes I am awesome and I did use the "when do I start" line in an interview I had today. It went over pretty well, cause I am that cool.

posted by John 5:08PM

March, 26 2005 Being the Joke I am done being the joke. When I was younger, I would do crazy things for the sake of humor. For instance: I would stand in between girls and guys talking at parties. If there was enough space between them for me to fit, I was there. Usually this resulted in the guy giving an inquisitive and irritated "What's up?" and me smiling and responding "Nothing much." I would grab strange girls by the arm at closing time at the club/bar and say "Come on we're leaving!" My freshman year I went to class everyday with a backpack that said " Girls Kick Butt!". Was I deranged or was I just funny? Know one really knew (of course its both). I would urinate off balconies at parties. Along the same lines, I would leave my apartment to go urinate in our complex's pool. I found humor in the fact that I was blatantly peeing in the pool.

Lastly there was the time I banged that fat chick. Of course, as the years have progressed, she has slimed down quite a bit in my mind. Still it was just for shits and giggles I swear!

posted by John 2:27PM

March 24, 2005 Harvard Wants Me Last night I was sitting in my living room watching TV. My roommate comes home and hands me some mail. I glance at my letters. Lets see. Oh, a credit card application. Awesome! 0% APR you say. That sounds like a good deal. Wait. What is this? A letter from Harvard. Could it be that finally my immense genius has been discovered? Is Harvard finally calling for me to attend their fine institution of learning? I can see the ivy now. I will dazzle the poinedexters with my worldview. Seduce the coeds and dykes at Wesley with my rapier wit. Of course, they will have to offer me a full scholarship to attend, but I will hammer out those details later with the Dean. I open the letter and read the following lines. "Dear John,  The Harvard School of Public Health is conducting a research study on college alcohol use"

I start laughing, and have to put down my beer (yes I was drinking at the time, and no I do not have a problem).

The letter continues.
"You have been selected as part of a random sample (yeah right) of students from lists provided by the registrars at colleges throughout the country".

This sounds conspiratorial. What sort of illuminati organization is compiling these lists? Why are they targeting young handsome virile men, who happen to enjoy a few libations now and then? (I know I am a poet)

I have no doubt that I am now the target of some sort of international conspiracy. Possibly some sinister alliance between the Free Masons, CIA, Gay Mafia, Trilateral Commission, and Carlyle Group. I only hope I can outwit them... again.

posted by John 1:48PM

MySpace Fun

I was bored so I thought I'd have some fun leaving comments for people on MySpace. Here they are.

"Hey babe just dropping you a line to let you know it was just a RASH. So I guess you can relax. But that dog might have had rabies. If you have a problem swallowing (which I know you don't ;)) I'd go to the hospital."

"Hey watsup bro, I haven't seen you since Cancun, remember we went to that Mexican donkey show and you ate out that girl on stage? During which you shouted "she tastes like ass" and everyone had a good laugh. Classic!"

"Hey Amber aka "the train". I just wanted to say me and my buddies had a great time the other night. You sure can multi-task ;). I can't believe you were right and both of them fit (your profile is right you are goal oriented). Well sorry about the mess, let me know when you get the pics developed. Lata"

"Hey sorry about your eye, honestly that is not where I was aiming. Hope the Visine helps with the burn."

posted by John 1:31AM

St. Patrick's Day

"I am different from Washington. I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't."
- Mark Twain

Too understand March 17th we must first understand the history behind that faithful day. No, I am not talking about old Pat converting those silly micks to Christianity. I am talking about the series of events that lead up to the moral tribulation I had to endure this March 17th.

My sister lives with her best friend and two other girls. Throughout this year, I have "hooked up" with the other two girls who live with her. I have never pursued the best friend even though she is slutty and pretty hot. Part of me wants to hookup with this girl just so I can complete the apartment sweep. Another part of me (I think it's the pancreas) says just leave the girl alone.

My sister was leaving town for St. Patrick's Day. Her best friend was more flirtatious then ever the previous weekend when I hung out with them. Grabbing my crotch just like I like and things of that nature. I started talking about St. Patrick's Day and she said she wants to hangout that day. My sister sees and hears all of this. A couple days later I get a call from my sister not so subtly hinting that she does not want me to hangout with her friend on St. Patrick's Day. I say ok. Then a few hours later I get a call from my mom. And she more subtly hints that I should not hangout with my sister's friend while she is out of town. This is very uncharacteristic thing for my mom to do. So I decide I am definitely going to try to do my best not to hangout with her.

Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day. I am drunk, my roommates are drunk. We want to go out. I call around to get a ride.
"What do you mean you aren't going out yet? It is damn near 8:30!".
I call up one of my sister's roommates, not her best friend.
Me: "Hey what's up?"
Her: "Nothing much."
Me: "Want to hangout? We are going downtown it should be good."
Her: "Ok."
Me: "Great! Your driving, come pick us up."
Her: (laughs) "Ok I am going to see if "sister's best friend" wants to go to ok?"
Me: "Yeah that is fine."
This turn of events was not unforeseeable. Fortuna favors the horny apparently.

Now I am in the situation I was going to try and avoid. It is a good thing I have the ability of sexual repression, like a young Brittany Spears. So, I drink and I don't really say much. Any guy who has passed on an opportunity to get laid can attest to the fact that your body reacts by making you feel sick over it. Probably because you failed to perform your biological duty of inseminating as many fertile females as possible. Later that night I also passed on the opportunity to get with the roommate that drove us there. The reasons for that are another story.

I satisfied my moral imperative on St. Patrick's Day, but I failed to satisfy my biological one. Since both are about equally strong in me, I really gained nothing from the whole experience.

The only thing I can do is use the Internet to post this story and stroke my ego, and then use it to go stroke something else.

posted by John 1:30PM

Make a Wish

Maybe it is just me but I think the "Make a Wish Foundation" is fucked up. Why the hell are they making these terminally sick people happy? Isn't it just cruel to show them how great life can be? The happiness they receive must be minuscule in comparison to the sobering reality that their life is about to end. That everyone else will go on and experience other moments of happiness, but fate has dealt them a cruel blow.

I think they should make an organization that sticks terminally ill people in sweat shops or coal mines. Let them work 19-hour shifts 6 days a weak. Then they can stagger home to a disgustingly obese spouse, and two kids with Down syndrome.

In the long run that would make them happier. Because the illness is always there, and instead of trying to get them to 'forget about it' for a little while. Why not set something up so there imminent demise becomes something they look forward too? It makes sense to me.

posted by John 5:54PM

Michael Jackson

It seems like everyone is talking about the Michael Jackson case. And by everyone, I mean absolutely know one. But it does appear to be on the news a lot (from what I can gather from channel surfing between ESPN and Mtv).

Whenever I write something I always have my readers in mind. So most of my writing is geared to the highly coveted male pederast demographic. What's up fellas?

I figure they want me to say something about the Michael Jackson case. The only thoughts I have on the case have to do with the sentencing. What the fuck is Michael going to do if he gets locked up?

I happen to have an unhealthy fascination with the penal system (wait did I just say "penal" hahahaha). I watched OZ for years (up until it got ridiculous), and every documentary, HBO or the Discovery channel produced on our great nations prison system.

My prediction is that Michael is going to join up with the Muslims. That is his best move. I believe they already do security for him so he has an in. Still he will not survive more than 2 years in prison. He will either have a complete mental breakdown, someone will punch him in his fucked up face and it will explode, or he will get shanked in the lunch line because Sanchez thinks Julio Iglesias is the "king of pop". Whatever happens I just hope they get it on tape.
I love me some prison violence.

Best Michael Jackson joke I have heard.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne won't come on your face till your 15

posted by John 7:51PM

8 Inches Stacked

I have to post something.

I went out to a bar with some friends. One of the girls I was with was not 21 yet, so there might be a problem with getting in.

I go up first and show my ID. Then I try to shove her through ahead of me. The bouncer gives a "Hey, hey". Luckily, I knew the bouncer. He was a friend of a friend from freshman year. So, I tell the girl to go and pretend he is saying hey because he remembers me.

Me: "Hey man what's up. I haven't seen you in a long time. You're still in Gainesville? ect"
Bouncer: "Oh yeah John right? Yeah you are the guy with 12 inch dick right?"

To explain that statement I have to take you back to freshman year. My friends thought it would be funny to tell every girl that I had a 12-inch wang (remember we were freshman so it was funny). Basically, I would play it real cool, and people would actually start believing it was true. Eventually this progressed to me telling girls I am "8 inches stacked" and having my friends confirm it. I have not used that line in over a year though. It is a little something called maturity folks. I have grown up so now when I tell a girl a lie it is more subtle. It is all part of the aging process.

Anyway fast forward to the present time. Upon hearing the bouncer, one of the girls in my group takes it upon her self to try and destroy the myth.

Floozy: "What? 12 inches? No, he is not. Trust me."
Everyone at the door sort of laughs. I laugh it off as well.
Floozy: "Actually he is small."
Bitch! Trying to bring down my 12 inch penis myth is one thing, but I'll be damned if I am going to let her get away with trying to start a new unfavorable one.
Me: "Don't listen to her she is FUCKING LOOSE! I can't help that can I? Oh and she is a SLUT!"

I walk into the bar to a chorus of "Ohhhs". I saved as much face as I could considering the situation. It is never good to have that debate, because of course people are inclined to believe the girl. The only way to respond is to flip it on her. Here are some examples were this is applicable.

Her: "Your dick is small."
Me: "Your vagina is loose"

Her: "I am pregnant."
Me: "Do I know you?"

Her: "Who were you with last night?"
Me: "You look fat."

You get the idea.

posted by John 8:34PM

Peeing in the Dark

Last night at around 4 AM, I got up to go to the bathroom. I did not want to switch on the light, because that always sucks. I figure I know what I am doing when it comes to pissing. Besides, I can vaguely make out the shape of the bowl. So, I go for it.

I don't hear splashing. I panic. I swing hard to the right. Moisture splatters all over my leg. I swing back to the left. I am still hitting porcelain. I clench my abdomen, desperately trying to stop the flow. Finally, I compose myself and slowly ease back to the right. I find water.

My toilet, my floor, my leg, are all covered in piss. It was a bold experiment, but it failed. I had to turn on the light to clean up.

I am sure this could be seen as an analogy. I am sure there are probably a few life lessons to be learned from this tale.

But I leave you to ponder those cause I gotta pee.

posted by John 2:24AM

Life Imitating Art

"When a true genius appears in the world,
you may know him by this sign, that the dunces
are all in a confederacy against him."

Dear Reader,

It has become apparent to me that my life is now mirroring that of Ignatius J. Reilly from the book "A Confederacy of Dunces". I am eerily involved in the same circumstances as he was. I have been thrust out upon the working world. I am constantly badgered by insolent parents. I am continual dealing with frivolous minxes. Everywhere I go I see a lack of theology and geometry. Lastly, I experience constant hostility towards my superior worldview. The most frightening thing of all is that I can feel myself becoming Ignatius. Maybe it won't be so bad if I do. It could be amusing.
That is all for now. I must be off, I fear my valve is closing.

Yours Truly,
Your Agitated Working Boy

Check out excerpts from "A Confederacy of Dunces" here.

posted by John 4:24PM