July 24, 2005

The Sway Incident

I was out in Miami last night. The plan was to go to bars in the "Grove". After a while, we decided to go over to SoBe (South Beach) to this hotel called "Delano" because I had never been there before and my friend wanted to show me it.

The "chic elite" come to Delano to hangout in the huge extended indoor/outdoor lobby or on the beds by the pool. By "chic elite", I mean busted trophy wives, ex trophy wives, aspiring trophy wives, and rich playboys looking to fuck a trophy (Seriously they actual want to fuck a trophy, like Oscars, Grammies, and shit. They are some sick fucks.). You cannot get a drink at the Delano (including beer) for under $10.

I was a bit of a fish out of water since I was wearing jeans, short-sleeve shirt, and sneakers, while rockin some oh so sexy 3-day stubble. As I was walking around the place taking in a shit load of chic, who do I see standing by the back of the pool. None other than Sway, the black guy from MTV News. I get excited! Because, well, I hate that guy he really annoys me. Now is my chance to go annoy him.

He is talking with two other black guys who I can only assume are his "homies". I walk over to them, and give him the old drunken (did I mention I was drunk) college boy "HEY SWAY! How is it going bro?" (notice the use of the word "bro" to show him I am one of the good ones). Since everyone else there was speaking in normal tones (probably about all the coke they do) this would surely bring Sway some obviously unwanted attention. He shoots me an annoyed glance, but undeterred I continue to walk up to him and his homies.

This is when disaster struck. See hand-to-hand greetings with a black guy are always a tricky proposition. You never know if they are going to give you...

1) a normal handshake
2) slap five followed by finger lock and snap
3) a fist pound
4) A #2 followed by a #3

I like to play the odds so I always clearly display an open hand as I go in. Then if I do not feel a grip I slide my hand down for a #2, and keep a close look out for the follow-up #3. However, since Sway is an asshole, he of course disregards my open hand and sticks out his fist for a straight #3. Who does that to a white guy? Did he really think a white dude was going to default to a #3 fist pound?

It was a train wreck. Open hand to closed fist. Sway and I both realized the devastation and quickly sought to minimize the damage. We pause to compose ourselves.

Sway: "How do you want to do this?"
Me: "Like this." (extending open hand)
(we shake hands)
Me: "Nice to meet ya buddy!"

Sway and the homies left a minute later. I can only hope I had annoyed Sway. In my heart of hearts, I think I did, and that makes me happy.

posted by John 9:35PM