October 9, 2005

The Contest

I once participated in a grueling test of endurance. Some would say tougher than every marathon and triathlon combined. It was a Seinfeldian who could go the longest without masturbating competition.

My three roommates and I undertook this momentous challenge. To the victor would go a couple bucks and a certificate of achievement, but more importantly the highly coveted master of your domain bragging rights.

Two days into the competition one of my roommates dropped out. It was not surprising he was just a kid and lacked the heart of a lion required to compete. A week later, the competition claimed its second victim. He was very poor and in it mostly for the money. However, you need more than greed to drive you on in this beast of a challenge.

I was left to face off against my last roommate. We were both foolish enough to greatly desire the bragging rights. A week and half in, I found out some disturbing news. My roommate had gotten head from the ugly whore next door. I called foul. I argued that since he would not have wanted head from her in normal circumstances, he was essentially masturbating by getting it now. He protested, then agreed that at the end of the week he would bow out of the competition.

For two hellish weeks blood, sweat, and tears were the only fluids allowed to escape from my body. It was a nightmare, and I am pretty sure I almost died. Well maybe not physically, but I am almost positive a part of me died. When the two weeks were up, I rushed to my room and beat my dick like a housewife with a nasty case of sass-mouth.

posted by John 9:33PM