March 19, 2005|
St. Patrick's Day
"I am different from Washington. I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't."
- Mark Twain
Too understand March 17th we must first understand the history behind that faithful day. No, I am not talking about old Pat converting those silly micks to Christianity. I am talking about the series of events that lead up to the moral tribulation I had to endure this March 17th.
My sister lives with her best friend and two other girls. Throughout this year, I have "hooked up" with the other two girls who live with her. I have never pursued the best friend even though she is slutty and pretty hot. Part of me wants to hookup with this girl just so I can complete the apartment sweep. Another part of me (I think it's the pancreas) says just leave the girl alone.
My sister was leaving town for St. Patrick's Day. Her best friend was more flirtatious then ever the previous weekend when I hung out with them. Grabbing my crotch just like I like and things of that nature. I started talking about St. Patrick's Day and she said she wants to hangout that day. My sister sees and hears all of this. A couple days later I get a call from my sister not so subtly hinting that she does not want me to hangout with her friend on St. Patrick's Day. I say ok. Then a few hours later I get a call from my mom. And she more subtly hints that I should not hangout with my sister's friend while she is out of town. This is very uncharacteristic thing for my mom to do. So I decide I am definitely going to try to do my best not to hangout with her.
Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day. I am drunk, my roommates are drunk. We want to go out. I call around to get a ride.
"What do you mean you aren't going out yet? It is damn near 8:30!".
I call up one of my sister's roommates, not her best friend.
Me: "Hey what's up?"
Her: "Nothing much."
Me: "Want to hangout? We are going downtown it should be good."
Me: "Great! Your driving, come pick us up."
Her: (laughs) "Ok I am going to see if "sister's best friend" wants to go to ok?"
Me: "Yeah that is fine."
This turn of events was not unforeseeable. Fortuna favors the horny apparently.
Now I am in the situation I was going to try and avoid. It is a good thing I have the ability of sexual repression, like a young Brittany Spears. So, I drink and I don't really say much. Any guy who has passed on an opportunity to get laid can attest to the fact that your body reacts by making you feel sick over it. Probably because you failed to perform your biological duty of inseminating as many fertile females as possible. Later that night I also passed on the opportunity to get with the roommate that drove us there. The reasons for that are another story.
I satisfied my moral imperative on St. Patrick's Day, but I failed to satisfy my biological one. Since both are about equally strong in me, I really gained nothing from the whole experience.
The only thing I can do is use the Internet to post this story and stroke my ego, and then use it to go stroke something else.
posted by John 1:30PM