October 18, 2006

The Fellowship Of The Unreasonably Large Vagina

Keith, Bill, and I arrived at Stetsuns to find it packed with its' usual fair, fat chicks. All the fatties really become problematic when you're unable to see any hot chicks because of the forest of cellulite in the way. "Excuse me tank ass. You wanna get out of my way. I left my X-ray specs in the car." The only thing I enjoy about being in a club this packed is when I get to angrily yell out "Alright!! Who grabbed my ass!?!"

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About half way through the evening Keith and I decide to make our way outside to smoke a cigarette. That's when it happened. Flabby cottage cheese parted like the Red Sea and there she was. A hot ass blonde. Only she was about 4 ˝ feet tall. The hot hobbit shot me a look that left no doubt that she wanted me to cast my ring into her fires of Mordor... if you get my drift *wink *wink. However, men had come from all corners of the bar to clash penises over who would have the right to fuck this vertically challenged beauty. Unwilling to barge into that much competition we continued outside to smoke our sweet, sweet cancer sticks.

Now I don't want to walk up to the petite blonde too soon and look desperate (which I was), so I spent much of the next 30 minutes biding my time while simultaneously trying to prevent Bill from fighting random assholes (I'm a multi-tasker baby). While walking around the bar I see a couple of girls that I haven't seen since high school. It's the Fulton sisters, Sasha and Jodie. Jodie used to be somewhat decent looking, but the years had taken their toll, and by that I mean her face looks like a Corey Lidle landing strip. In a strange coincidence she was also a borderline midget. This led to a spirited debate between my friend Josh and I over whether to call her Gollum or Frodo. It was a silly argument to be sure because, while I'm not a homosexual, if proposed with the choice of fucking Jodie or Elija Wood you would either be pulling razor blades from my wrists or Elija's dental records from his pillow. Gollum was clearly the correct answer.

I decide to flee to the dance floor. Upon arriving I see her. My blonde midget of a beauty. I ask her to dance. That seemed like a good idea at the time, but once we got started I began wishing I had offered to buy her a drink instead. I can't dance for shit and my deficiencies in this area are magnified ten fold by the fact that she is a full foot and a half shorter than me. Have you ever tried to dance with someone that short? Well let me tell you my friends it is no easy task. My legs are going numb from bending down, and I'm finding my concentration being split between "trying to not dance like a white boy" and "trying to transform myself into a booty dancing Bilbo Baggins." It is not working. I consider just grinding my crotch into the back of her head. Then she calls her brunette friend over to dance with us. The brunette is tiny too! I didn't know the circus was in town! It's a rarity to find one girl that has a perfect body in such a compact package, but to find two of them is like MasterCard, fucking priceless. I felt like Gandolf the Pimp as I ruled my kingdom of extremely stick-it-in-able hobbits.

After a few songs we all parted ways, and I made my way off the dance floor to find my friends. Unfortunately Sasha found me first. She was searching for her sister, and wanted me to help find her. I didn't mind helping out, but I did mind her holding my arm like she was my girlfriend thus ruining my chances with the hobbits. I silently mouth the words "Help me!" to my friend Rachel working the beer well. To my dismay, she just stands there unfazed. I'm pretty disappointed in her until my boy Jason working the DJ booth grabs his mic and announces to the entire club that "Bradspace is getting some Sausage tonight!!" Gee whiz thanks, dick! As soon as we find Jodie I practically throw "Sausage" at her, and head back over to where Jason and Rachel are. As soon as I see Rachel I give her the immediate 411 on fat chicks. If you see me talking to one…get me the fuck out of there. She informs me that "I saw her…but I didn't think she looked that bad." Didn't look that bad? Well excuse the fuck out of me Ray Charles. Next time maybe you should come feel her face.

As closing time approaches my standards start dipping. Sausage introduces me to one of her friends who is apparently "like family." She's not someone I would take home to meet Mom, but she is decent enough that I could probably have sex with her without vomiting on her ass. I decide to throw my dignity to the wind, and start dancing with her. This lasts all of about 30 seconds before Jason, once again, grabs the mic and informs the whole club that "Bradspace is fucking a fat chick tonight!!" Jason, it's like my uncle always told me. "Nobody loves a fat girl. But, ohhhh, can a fat girl love." Although, she wasn't fat per se it's just that no one would mistake her for being bulimic.

When the club closes I walk outside to see the hot brunette hobbit being thrown face first onto the hood of a car. I'm not sure what the fuck is going on, but it appears that she has committed some sort of crime. Jason and one of the bouncers are holding her down while she keeps screaming, "These aren't my pants! I'm not going to jail for something I didn't do!" The cops arrive shortly thereafter and Jason comes over to explain the situation to me. He tells me that the brunette had stolen "like three guys" wallets then went into the bathroom and had taken out their credit cards and money then deposited the wallets in the trash. Keith and I are laughing our asses off. Suddenly, Keith turns to me and while still smiling says "Dude…I can't find my wallet." Fucking beautiful.

As Keith and I stand there with two of her other victims watching her scream I feel it appropriate to point out to them that I had danced with her and she didn't steal my wallet. "Maybe I've got the magic dick…I'm gonna go get her number. She can take ME out. I mean, shit, she's got all ya'll's money!" They were unamused.

Jason calls me over to talk to some extremely hot girl. Apparently he is trying to hook me up with her. He's telling her that she doesn't need to go home with "that guy across the street. He's an asshole." He wants to see her with a "nice guy." I find it somewhat amusing that I have been tabbed the "nice guy," but as I'm stuffing my face with a BBQ sandwich I agree with Jason that that guy is an asshole and she could do better. I inform her that "Yea…he is an asshole. I mean I don't really know him personally…or who we're talking about particularly, but I'm sure he's an asshole." She leaves unconvinced.

When I return to talk shit to my walletly challenged new friends one of them informs me, "that girl's pussy is as big as a fist!" I'm a little confused to say the least. Did I miss the donkey show or something? He then explains that she had apparently been hiding their credit cards in her vagina. I need some clarification so I walk around the car as Jason comes running my way. He had just talked to the cops and apparently they had indeed found all of those credit cards in her "vaginal area." I continue around the rear of the car to find that, and I shit you not, the trunk of this car is completely covered in credit cards, driver licenses, and cash. Jason tells me that "they'll know more when they get her back to the station to perform a FULL cavity search." You're telling me she might have more in that thing? That bitch was holding more money her snatch than a fucking bank. You could pay off the national debt before you hit her G-spot. Then one of the bartenders leans her head out of the side door and yells…

Bartender: "Hey, Jason! We're missing a keg!"
Jason: "Missing a keg!?!"
Me: (yelling at cops) "They're missing a keg! Check her vagina!"

Keith finally gets his ID and credit cards back. I fuck with the other victims one more time before leaving. "Hey man, let me smell your credit cards. I wanna see what I'm working with." They, as always, are unamused

The moral of this story is this. Don't dance with hobbits they give new meaning to the phrase "getting your wallet snatched". Good night kids!

posted by Bradspace 5:53PM