October 16, 2005

I am the Perfect Boyfriend

If there is one-thing girls love to do, it is to process paper work. That is why it is no wonder that so many of these "Boyfriend Applications" are floating around. Personally, I find nothing more attractive then a girl who takes a business like approach to romance. Who would not want to hangout with someone like that? I filled out a couple and a lot of the questions were the same, so I thought I would just condense it down and post it on my website. Ladies consider this my application. Fatties consider this a sensible diet or regular exercise and avoid it.

Boyfriend Application

Name: John
Age: 23
Hair Color: Bobby Brown
Hair Style: Whitney Houston
Eyes: 2
Birthday: Once a year
Zodiac: Yes
Piercing/tattoos: My bellybutton is pierced, and I have a butterfly tat on the small of my back.

Why do you want to be my Boyfriend?
Because I am desperate.

If I chose you to be my Boyfriend.. what's the first thing you'd do with me or to me?
I would take you to the Olive Garden and order the Never Ending Pasta Bowl. Then we would sit there for hours while you watch me sample every pasta and sauce combination.

What are your hobbies?
I collect light bulbs.

How do you stay in shape?
Running from the Po Po.

Are you a top or bottom?
Power bottom all the way.

Do you fuss over looking good?
Nope that is what makeup is for.

Which side of the bed do you prefer?
I would take the whole bed. You would have to sleep on the floor. Is that going to be a problem?

Do you do drugs and/or alcohol, if so what?
Why are these two grouped together? Drugs are way better than alcohol. Hell, I am chasing the dragon as we speak.

What's your favorite feature about me?
Your morals.

What is your best feature?
My diamonds.

Why would you make a great Boyfriend?
Because I would love you, and only steal from you when it was absolutely imperative.

How would you make me happy?
I would get you drunk then tickle you.

If I called you at 3 am & wanted to hang out because I was feeling lonely, and bored what would you do?
Tell you to shut up.

It's my birthday. what would you do?
Tell you to shut up.

It's Christmas and I want more than one present. What do you do?
Tell you to shut up.

How would you show me that you really like me, in person?
By making out with you for like an hour, then crying in your arms for the next 3.

Do you like the beach?
I did, but not anymore because it called me a wigger :(

If we were to go out to a movie would we watch the movie?
Of course, making out at the movies is soooo 8th grade. Trust me I just went to see Elizabethtown with an 8th grader and alls we did was make out.

Would you call me right after we saw each other to make sure I made it home alright?
I didn't drop you off at your house? Where the hell did I leave you?

How would you rate your kisses from 1-10?
A million

Favorite body part on the opposite sex?

Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)?
Registered Sex Offender

What Would You do if...
1. I cried: Take it out
2. I said I love you: Put it back in
3. I kissed you: Keep it in
4. I touched your butt: Go faster
5. I was hospitalized: Damn I am good
6. I got in a fight and you were there: Cheer you on! Go! Work the jab! Bob and weave! Upper cut!
7. I pissed you off: Put it back in

It would not be fair, now that you totally want me, not to put up a girlfriend application. So here it is.

Girlfriend Application

Send a picture of yourself (preferably nude) here. A picture is worth a thousand words so try not to say much.

Disclaimer: I am not looking for a girlfriend, so consider me your Everest.

posted by John 10:41PM