March 24, 2005

Harvard Wants Me

Last night I was sitting in my living room watching TV. My roommate comes home and hands me some mail. I glance at my letters.

Lets see. Oh, a credit card application. Awesome! 0% APR you say. That sounds like a good deal. Wait. What is this? A letter from Harvard. Could it be that finally my immense genius has been discovered? Is Harvard finally calling for me to attend their fine institution of learning?

I can see the ivy now. I will dazzle the poinedexters with my worldview. Seduce the coeds and dykes at Wesley with my rapier wit. Of course, they will have to offer me a full scholarship to attend, but I will hammer out those details later with the Dean.

I open the letter and read the following lines.
"Dear John,
 The Harvard School of Public Health is conducting a research study on college alcohol use"

I start laughing, and have to put down my beer (yes I was drinking at the time, and no I do not have a problem).

The letter continues.
"You have been selected as part of a random sample (yeah right) of students from lists provided by the registrars at colleges throughout the country".

This sounds conspiratorial. What sort of illuminati organization is compiling these lists? Why are they targeting young handsome virile men, who happen to enjoy a few libations now and then? (I know I am a poet)

I have no doubt that I am now the target of some sort of international conspiracy. Possibly some sinister alliance between the Free Masons, CIA, Gay Mafia, Trilateral Commission, and Carlyle Group. I only hope I can outwit them... again.

posted by John 1:48PM