June 9, 2005
At my work there is this gay Spanish guy. He is short, fat, and flaming. From this moment on I will refer to him as El Gayo. That is Spanish for "creepy ass pirate". He is starting to take notice of my boyish good looks, and taut figure. I get frequent glances, seductive hellos, and my work hand delivered to me from the printer. "Is this yours?" he asks then shoots me a creepy seductive smile, "oh yeah thanks" I reply with an ackward half smile as I avoid eye contact (he totally isn't my type, obvi).
(Sigh) No this El Gayo won't do at all. I miss my old faggidy co-worker. Now that guy was a queer! He makes El Gayo look like Frank Sinatra. Actually more like Frank Sinatra getting his "microphone" polished by a dame and a broad while he eats a steak (very rare obvi) and pounds round after round of neat Scotch.
My old gay co-worker was gayer than AIDS. The Queen Queens was also incredibly enthusiastic. He just loved everything (especially dick obvi). His gay enthusiasm knew no bounds. Whenever anyone told him anything no matter how small or unimportant, his eyes would grow big, he would gasp, and exclaim a series of adjectives glorifying that bit of info as the greatest thing he has ever heard. He did all this without coming off patronizing at all.
To give an example of what a character this guy was. One time I was punching holes in these name cards when he walks into the office.
Gay: (loud gasp) "Oh my God! Look at how much focus you put into your work!" (very enthusiastic and lispy)
Me: (laughs) "Yeah thanks."
Gay: "You know something John.. you are exceptional!"
Me: (laughs) "Yeah.. I know!
Gay: (laughs loudly and clenches hands together) "Oh, I just love your humor!"
Yes that peter eater was always good for a laugh. However, when you take that ass clown and mix him in with a retard, brother you have comedic gold!
It was dinnertime at the office, and pizza was going to be delivered. I am at my computer pretending to be doing work, when out of the corner of my eye I see something astounding. Striding into the room holding a pizza is a retard. Immediately I am captivated. This guy was at least 6 feet and 7 inches tall and every bit of him was retarded. His retarded pants were pulled high up around his retarded stomach. His enormous retard skull was retardedly elongated and misshapen. His retarded face featured thick retard glasses, and he had a big retarded smile displaying huge retarded teeth. A mat of stringy retarded hair was poking out of his retarded pizza boy hat. "Did somebody order pizza? Its pepperoni!" he retardedly announces, his large retarded smile never wavering from his retarded face.
The office is not large and everyone working there is focused on our retarded visitor. There was an unspoken consensus that we must keep this giant retard here for as long as possible. Since we had no shiny toys or kittens to placate him with, the art of conversation would have to be utilized. So a conversation is quickly started and the retard whose name is "Karl" is more than happy to talk with new friends. The atmosphere is electric. I do not even remember all things that I said to the guy, but I am pretty sure I had as big a smile as Karl the whole time. Karl is particularly impressed with the number of computers we have. He inquires if they have "Windows", we tell him they do. Too which he replies.
Karl: "You know I am on the internet!"
Karl: "Yeah I am on the Pizza Movers website."
Someone: "Oh yeah that is great Karl."
Someone else: "Where on the website Karl we want to check you out."
Karl: "Oh I am in the "Special" section."
Everyone bursts out in laughter, I was already in a heightened state of giddiness so I am done. I have to cover my face and swing my chair around I am laughing so hard. Know one can respond because everyone is fighting fits of laughter. Luckily, the anal advocate was there and he springs into action.
Gay: (loud gasp, huge eyes) "Well you are a SPECIAL guy!" (huge grin)
The place erupts with laughter. I was laughing hard before but this caused me to literally fall out of my seat. I was keeled over and I had tears in my eyes, while Karl and the butt bunny were just staring at each other with huge smiles on their faces. Karl then nods and says a goodbye and strolls out.
In conclusion, Tom Cruise is a fag.
posted by John 9:38PM