February 9, 2005

Fat Tuesday

For those who do not know last night was Fat Tuesday. I went out to Fat Tuesdays in Gainesville, FL. They were blocking off the street in front for the affair, and many people were expected to show up.

I ate dinner late, sometime around 10. What I ate made me feel nauseas, and I needed to start getting liquored up. To kill two birds with one stone, I started drinking rum and cokes. I felt better; I finished watching UF's basketball team lose to Kentucky then headed out. I am not a big fan of sweet alcoholic drinks, but if I am going to a Fat Tuesday celebration you better believe I am going to be drinking hurricanes. I got one as soon as I got in. Just like all premixed drinks, I thought it was rather weak, so I finished it real fast and got another. This one was also very fruity and weak so I finished that one off quickly as well and got another. When I was coming to the end of hurricane number three I realized that I was not buzzed at all. I had been there for almost an hour, had bought three drinks, and the only thing I had to show for it was less money, and more sweet induced nausea. Therefore, when I go to get another drink I try to negotiate with the girl behind the bar.

Me: "These drinks are doing nothing for me. Can you mix one yourself for me?"
Girl: "No they are premixed."
Me: "How about you pour some of that Vodka right there into it for me."
Girl: "No this is not a negotiation."
Me: "Fine give me another hurricane."

Just as I finish getting my drink, I notice a girl carrying around a bunch of Budweiser E. I see that she is just giving them out. How can I possibly turn down free alcohol? I immediately get my hands on one. For those who do not know Budweiser E is Bud's new beer. It consists of beer, caffeine, guarana, and ginseng. It has an interesting taste. Definitely not bad, but you can hardly tell it is beer. Now I am double fisting my hurricane and my Bud E. I am an idiot so I am alternating sips from both.

I go into Fat Tuesdays. I am hanging out drinking my two drinks at the same time. I see a cute girl looking at me. I look back. She beckons for me to come over, and I do. We exchange names she starts dancing with me. My mind is racing with a very important question. Is this girl fat? She is right on the border in my opinion. She is like 5lbs to 10lbs more overweight than Hilary Duff, if that puts it in perspective. As I am pondering this I look to my right, and a black guy is looking at her. Apparently, he liked her, and he gives me a smile and a head nod of approval. That settles it for me; she has to be too big. I finish my drinks, and she asks me if I remember her name. Of course I had not, and told her so. She laughs it off, and tells me it again. I do not listen.

I cannot be bothered with her right now; WWIII is being fought in my stomach. My stomach is bloated like a Somalian. Even my skin is hurting from it being stretched. I cannot stand up straight. I have never puked in public before, and I am not about to start now. I find a seat at a table, and stay there tasting the Bud E in my throat for the next thirty minutes. I make it home without puking, but I do later in the night. The mixture of bad food, dark liquors, light liquors, sweet liquors, and beer were too much for my stomach to handle.

However, on the bright side I am probably one of the first few people ever to puke off of Bud E. What a distinction!

posted by John 4:08PM