July 8, 2005 Authority I have a problem with authority. I am a punk queen like Avril Lavigne. During my last job, I stuck it to the man the following ways. I got in a drunken dispute over a card game almost resulting in fisticuffs with my boss. I tricked the number 2 boss into taking a laxative. Don't believe me? I can be very convincing just ask your mother. Oh snap! You walked right into that one. BTW, it is just like you see in the movies. When someone takes a laxative, they do spend the whole day on the toilet. Hilarious! I challenged my boss, the number 2 boss, and a director from another location all to a fight in a drunken dispute. Yes, I wanted to fight all three, I am that big of a badass. Don't believe me? Ask your mother. Oh snap again! On the last night, I said some racial slurs to an Indian co-worker, and challenged number 2 boss to yet another fight, in yet another drunken dispute. Oh and I fucked your mother! Do I even have to say it... oh snap!

Now in my current job the department I am in is the coolest department (we have a metro for Christ's sake!). So of course, the nerd that runs the place hates us. Nerd resentment runs deep in him. He is constantly trying to hassle us. Every time he comes by I give him dirty looks, and one word replies, it is obvious that we do not like each other (not looking to advance in the company obviously).

So the Boss calls me into his office. Apparently, that is a big deal.

Boss: "Hi, John have a seat."
Me: "You talk about guns like I ain't got none. What you think I sold them all?"

Maybe I did not say that, but I was thinking it! Anyway the main reason he called me in was that I had been missing a lot of work recently because I was sick. Of course, they do not believe I have been sick and they thought I was interviewing with other companies. However, while we talked he said the following 3 times.

Boss: "It seems like when I leave from talking with you guys. I always I hear laughter..."
Me: "Oh it is not us. I don't know where you hear laughter from."

Of course it is us, but you don't tell the nerd that, him being the Boss and all. The point is this guy with all his money, and a relatively high position in life, is still concerned that people are snickering at him. Not only that, he is dumb enough to raise his concern multiple times. Maybe he is going to fire me soon so he does not care how he comes off.

After our talk, he now feels comfortable hanging out in our department... a lot. Oh the joys of being micromanaged by a nerdy douchebag.

Also, I had a great conversation a couple weeks ago with a Cuban guy I work with.

Cuban: "Hows you doin man?"
Me: "Not good actually. I am really sick."
Cuban: "Oh? Yous sick? You know... you probably got sick from having sex with da AC on."
Me: (laughs)
Cuban: "You know man, you get sick from dat. You have to go under the sheets. Cause the AC... will blow on you man."

That is just good advice that is what that is.

posted by John 6:27PM